Latinos love being emotional.  What can I say?  We’re good people! Most of us have thin skin/a weak heart. We’re too kind! We love helping others, and we’re easily moved by heartwrenching stories.  Did I tell you my story on how I was abducted by cruel six-legged aliens that tortured and sodomized me, but I was rescued by a good Latino family who raised me, gave me a nice warm home to live in and put me through college? No?  That’s because it never happened, but I’m sure if I said that in a room filled with Latinos they would all start sobbing and they’ll tell me how proud they are of me turning out so well.

There’s a HUGE misconception about Latinos.  Latinos DO love to curse people out, not because we’re bad people, it is due to mean people hurting our feelings, and so, we react by being too emotional.  Don’t incriminate or judge us.  A hug would be nice.

We also tend to be overly grateful.  Ever helped out a Latino and he cried or thanked you about 1,000 times? Even if you get more out of the bargain than he does? That’s because we’re not used to people being nice to us (then they blame us for being emotionally responsive). When you do a good deed to a Latino, they may:

1. Cry;
2. Cook your favorite meal or take you out;
3. Thank you every time they see you and tell you how eternally grateful they are; or
4. All of the above.

You can give us a job recommendation, pay raise, help us out with a little cash, clean our car, and you can bet on your momma’s life that emotions will be shown.  While the random non-Latino person would say, “Gee thanks, that was nice of you.  Let me know if I can ever do anything for you.”  Not a Latino.  A Latino would make you his brother for life for looking out for him.  Also, when a boss or colleague demeans us we react angrily because we’re emotional beings. They’re the unprofessional ones for talking down to us.  All in all, we mean no harm. Really!  Don’t listen to the Latino myths.  We’re kind loving people who want the best for others and ourselves.  Forgive us for being human brute!

Wow, I have to say, this was one of my deepest and most meaningful blog posts ever.  Please excuse me, I need a moment *tear*tear*.

Photographer: Filomena Scalise/www.freedigitalphotos.net/

LATINOS love Mormons.  Why?  Because they are daring souls! Mormons walk around the deepest, meanest, hardcore streets of the ghetto that some gang members wouldn’t even DARE to set foot in. Mormons have a lot of heart and faith, we love and admire their bravery and mission.  It doesn’t hurt they’re kind of cute either. I have a Latina friend who has been in every religion you can imagine. I’m hoping every God/deity she has praised before is praying for her now. Every time I stumble upon her she believes something new and different and tries to convince me to convert.  She used to be a Catholic who became a Christian, then a Buddhist, until the Koran intrigued her, but then she started dating a Jew.  Not so long ago she became a Mormon, but it was a brief conversion.  I asked her why.  She said, “Ay mija, I liked this Mormon, he was so hot and I joined the church, but I quit, mira, y que he was saving himself for marriage!”

Pobrecita amiga mia, se quedo con las ganas de tener una experiencia religiosa!

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LATINOS hate, Hate, HATE Nursing Homes.  It is a Latino commandment, “Thou shall take care of your parents until they expire”.  Heaven forbid you marry a non-Latino.  The minute you move in to your new place (with your mom right behind you carrying the suitcases) he will say, “How nice babe, your mom is carrying our bags.”  And you’ll respond, “Oh no honey, she’s coming with us.”  If you’re marrying a Latino(a) consider yourself forewarned.  Don’t even THINK about suggesting a nursing home.  Latinos see Nursing homes as a torture chamber for the elderly.  It doesn’t matter how annoying, cripple or old your grandparents/parents are, a Latino HAS to care for them until the day they die.  If they don’t you better bet your life that the relatives will call you a “Malagradecido!“  They raised you and cared for you. You owe them (and the men upstairs *ahem*) your existence.  That’s the least you can do malparido!

LATINOS love Empanadas, also called Empanadillas.  The name comes from the verb empanar, meaning to wrap in bread.  Empanadas are similar to a Jamaican patty, but not the same.   Empanadas are made out of dough stuffed with meat, fish, potato or cheese then they are baked or fried.  Naturally, you can stuff them with anything you desire, but most people favor them with meat.   Different countries make them differently, but the majority of the time they come in a semi-circular shape.  They are very popular amongst Latinos.  They are easy to make and taste divine.  Latinos love rellenarlas with beef, chicken or ham and cheese (sort of like an empanada sandwich).  You can eat them any time during the day, but most people prefer them for breakfast.

LATINOS love sitting on top of other people’s cars.  If you ever lived in an extremely urban neighborhood overpopulated with Hispanics (a.k.a. Latino Land) and you owned or rented a house that didn’t come with a driveway/parking garage, we are more than sure that you will have to deal with every Latino on your block sitting on top of your car.  There is always one “I don’t give a damn hoodlum” who will think your 1985 Civic is their sofa couch.  Hey, your car may be a piece of sh!t to other people, but we all know that to you it is a gem.  The thug doesn’t seem to think so or care about your valuables.  He will do whatever he wants.  Not only will he sit on it,  smoke on it and lay on it (as if he were at the comfort of his own home), he will also put his dirty sneakers all over it (just because giving your car a  complimentary mud bath is his way of saying thank you).  Heaven forbid that he gets chased by the cops.  That’s when he will jump on it and dent that tough metal that could resist anything, but that a**hole’s footsteps.  This isn’t the worst part.  Do you know what can be more terrible than all of this? Telling those jerks to NOT sit on your car and waking up the next morning to a mobile with scratches, a broken windshield, flat tires and missing rims (you are lucky if they left the seats unscathed).  You had a right to remain silent, but you chose to go heavy metal.  And if you play your vehicle’s “lawyer”, rest assure you will get persecuted.

LATINOS hate saying the words “left” and “right”.  Not in a malignant way.  We’re not even conscious about our hatred towards these two terms/form of directions.  They are just not widely used in our vocabulary.  Don’t believe me?  Fine.  Seat a Latino on the passenger side of your car.  Ask him/her for directions.  Notice how the individual who is directing you will say: “Dobla para alla (pointing to the left), y cuando llegues a la luz, dobla para aca” (pointing to the right).  They are signaling you with their hands where you need to turn.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t speak our language.  You will still understand where you need to go even if  “u na spika spanitch”.  So no worries.    But make sure you listen.   If you ignore them, screw up and turn the wrong way that will really make them mad making them retort with a “mijo te dije pa’ya, pa’ya, y ahora pa’ca, pa’ca!”

Rings a bell?  We thought so!

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Latinos LOVE having ACHAQUES.  An achaque is complaining about negative things, sometimes minor things made out to be of great magnitude or importance by the victim.  There is always the abuela with her achaques, or the aunt that has all the shitty luck in the world who won’t stop telling you how much her life sucks. Her back hurts, she was vomiting all day, she has a headache that won’t go away (supposedly she has had it for the past 30 days), the kids are screaming and the husband is working 5 jobs! Goodness gracious that doesn’t make it any better, now does it?

You will always have that one relative that suffers from achaques.  It is usually someone of old age (as in the grandparents) but not necessarily so. There are also the young ones who are all screwed up (in the head).  He/She will say, “My medicines expired, hell, they don’t even work anymore, I need something  stronger, my doctor doesn’t know anything! And to top it off the government decreased my SSI check,” (even if they didn’t).  And who can forget the abuela, “Ay me duele to!  Ya toy vieja, porque no viene el diablo y me lleva ya!”

Ahhh, the joys of our culture!

LATINOS love to ignore their children when they go out.   Let’s face it, sometimes the children don’t know how to behave.  So what do we do? Ignore them.  That way people won’t think they are ours.  Latinos love to shop.  When we’re shopping we let the kids run around the mall wilder than animals at the zoo.  I read in one of those forwarded e-mails that “You know you’re a Latino when you ignore your kids  at a store.” And I didn’t believe it.  We’re very protective of our children, we would NEVER do that (or so I thought).  Until one day, I took my niece and nephews out to NYC.  While on MADISON AVE. the word SALE hypnotized me.  I went inside a boutique *an hour later* WHERE THE HELL DID THOSE KIDS GO?

LATINOS love MISTOLIN ["MISTOLIN—HACE FELIZ—A SU NARIZ!"].  To hell with Mr. Clean and Pine Sol, Mistolin offers variety.  They came in all different sorts of  fragrances and colors and was created for multiple uses.  It was the #1 Latino cleanser!  One bottle was good enough for you to wash your floors, clothes, bathroom, dishes, cars, etc.  After so many years, they still exist and need we remind you, we still use it!

LATINOS love Mirta de Perales hair products.  Before there was SAMY Latinos went bat sh!t crazy for Mirta de Perales because she promised Latina beauties gorgeous Pantene like strands even if they were born with Brillo hair perfect to scrub el caldero.  Remember their slogan?  “Mirtaaa..Mirta tiene la respuesta!”  Riiiight. They’re still around!

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